“i’m right, you’re wrong, shut up”

Hello, Snakey Nation, and welcome to The Blog. We all know that I am an opinionated person. If you have spent more than five minutes with me at any point in time, you most definitely know that I have so many opinions. I treat my life like a never-ending op-ed, and all of my friends are just subscribers. Lowkey, that is the premise of the blog… Alas! I still do not feel I’ve properly displayed all of my opinions, so I decided my first real post on the blog will be a set of my hot takes. I will be honest, I don’t even know how many of these are truly “hot,” so for fear of persecution (ie. those of you who will definitely be like, “ermmm these aren’t that controversial”), I will provide a disclaimer: I do not care if these are truly hot takes, but they are my takes and I am hot, so let me live.

People who don’t know how to properly type are the weakest links – How many of you had some sort of class/block of time in elementary and/or middle school dedicated to learning how to properly type using a keyboard? Considering I either went to the same school district as you, go to the same school with you now, or know you through an activity I chose to do, I know you probably had this typing class AT SOME POINT. If you had typing class, I legit see no reason why you should not be able to type. First of all: it is an easy skill. The hardest part is acquiring the muscle memory of the keyboard, and if you were forced to type once a week between the ages of 8-13, you should definitely have the muscle memory by now. Second of all: we are surrounded by keyboards all the time. We type so often, and have been surrounded so much by the concept of typing since the formative years of our lives, there is no excuse that you do not do it enough. If you are still typing by just plunking out keys with your two index fingers, I have two statements for you: grow up and be better. Documentation is the backbone of society, and if we are cannot do it sufficiently, how do we expect to survive and thrive?

I am adamantly team Daylight Savings – To be transparent, this opinion has changed over the years, but since going to school in upstate New York, I have firmly entered the pro-Daylight Savings camp. I believe the time change is the little bit of drama that we all need in our lives. Believe me, I am well-aware that most of you in Snakey Nation have more than enough drama, but there is something about the constant yet always surprising nature of finding out the clocks are changing. We all know that it happens, but every time we’re always like, “oh fuck! the clocks change tonight!” Isn’t that a fun little moment we can always count on? Another benefit of Daylight Savings: more sun. After spending the past several winter months in bumblefuck central New York, I have concluded that seasonal depression is real (a conclusion you were all anxious to find out). With this new discovery, I have also found out the importance of seeing sun. So if Daylight Savings = more sun, then Daylight Savings = less depressed, and, as someone who consistently denies my need for SSRIs, this is great news.

I don’t give a fuck about the people who “pack” their Stanley’s – Do y’all remember the people on TikTok/Instagram Reels who would pack little backpacks on their Stanley cups before going on their walk or whatever? They’d have the clips on the handle for lipgloss and/or vapes; they’d put a giant tray on the lid to store like hummus or gummy worms. You all know exactly what I’m talking about. Well, I really don’t care that people do this! When Stanley packers started posting these videos, there was outrage over the “over-consumption” of it all, and while I agree that these weird little accessories are a waste of money and putting the crap together is a waste of time, there are just bigger things to worry about. Like, it’s a free country, brother. I am more concerned about what my neighbor’s annoying dog is up to than what weird things people are attaching to their Stanley, and that says a lot.

Being drunk > Being high – This is the classic American debate. # Do I wanna smoke or do I wanna drink? Well probably 6.5 times out of 10, I will say drink. This is a slim majority, but a majority nonetheless. I feel getting high leaves room for too many surprises; how I feel when smoking varies drastically due to a set of factors that I cannot determine, leaving it to feel like a game of emotional roulette. Getting drunk is a pretty predictable feeling for me. Usually I can tell how much I need to drink to feel a certain way and usually I have an idea of how that way will feel prior to drinking. Getting high introduces too many unknowns into the equation if I’m just looking for an easy fix: How am I getting high? Should I do it alone? How high do I wanna be and can I even properly gauge how to get to that level? Mainly my preference for being drunk comes down to the fact that I am lightweight so weed hits me fast and hard and I am so crap at smoking despite doing it for years. Even though it seems like I hate being high, I do not! I actually quite enjoy it most of the time, and I think all of those who’ve gotten high with me can attest that I am a somewhat good time. Again, 6.5/10, slim margins for drunkenness, but still a win for alcoholism nonetheless.

I love having boobs – I feel bad for people without boobs because I really do love mine. This one can get borderline weird and I intend to walk that line. I feel like society has two opinions on boobs: they are great (usually the sexualized opinion) and they are a pain in the ass (usually opinion of those with them). Well I am going to make this statement, I think boobs can make an outfit, and honestly if I did not have mine, my feng shui would just just be thrown off. This relates to the larger of topic of me just being happy to be woman, the superior gender. Not to offend anyone or even be like uber feminist, I just think it is so awesome being me, who is a woman, that I can’t even imagine the kind of treachery one feels when they have a dick. Long story short, I am very happy having boobs, specifically my boobs, so self-love I guess.

Phoebe Bridgers deserves to be the most popular member of Boygenius – I may or may not offend some gay people who believe they’re so artsy and cool with this opinion, but it is a risk that I am willing to take. I want to preface my biases on this topic: I started listening to Pheebz when I was in eighth grade and then found Boygenius a couple months later, so Pheebz does a hold a special place in my heart. But even ignoring this, I think, out of the three, Phoebe Bridgers puts out the best music that consistently is great. Her discography is only bangers: Stranger in the Alps, Punisher, the Christmas covers, the Killer EP, Boygenius self-titled EP, The Record, it’s all amazing. I think that both Lucy and Julien (off topic – I am happy they are confirmed together) have great hits as well, but there’s a lot more mid shit in those discographies. The people that say Phoebe is the most overhyped boy in the trio are just lying to themselves; we need to accept that most popular does not always mean overhyped or undeserved.

The Rise of Conservatism in America is legitimately killing my vibe – For any of you who have had a conversation with me recently, you may have noticed that I am trying to work in a bit that I am calling, “the conservative shift of America.” The premise of this bit is that America’s stark turn towards conservatism within the past couple of months has become a real annoyance. Lowkey I gotta give another disclaimer… the political state of America is NOT a laughing matter, but we will laugh at it anyway to keep our spirits up. Back to the original programming… I swear, everything is being affected. First of all, I can’t find the clothes I want. Everything is florals, ruffles, Alter’d State, Simply Southern type crap, and I am definitely NOT a Simply Southern person. I can’t find cute tops that (I feel) match my party girl but she just stays home aesthetic. Also, everyone is trying to do country music. Let’s chill for a minute. That is not to say country music is bad! I fuck with some classic country and some not so classic country. But there is no reason for EVERYONE to be doing country. We need variety; variety keeps things special. For fear of overstaying my metaphorical welcome in your minds, I will not provide more examples, but I think we can all agree that seeing America turn towards fascist politics is an upset for all of society and culture.

Seven hot takes later and I know you feel enlightened. I hope you all enjoyed and don’t wanna kill me. If you did enjoy, please let me know, either in the comments or over the phone or in person, however you wish to compliment me. I also beg of you to submit suggestions in the suggestion box; the more suggestions submitted, the more posts will feature topics that the masses want to see. Stay strong Snakey Nation, take care of yourselves, and happy spring break to those who celebrate.

snakey